Oh my god you guys would be so proud of me!!!! I did it! I drove a bus today!! And I did great! I'm so proud of myself. Just wish I'd stop having such bad anxiety attakcs. And? Ishmael even more u were here so that I could share it with u, love u.

My life is about to change in a few hours. But daddy I'm so scared and I know it's not how you want me to feel but I don't want to do it without you. I keep running away from things in search of comfort. In search of you. I drove all the way upstate today just to try to find the solace I was seeking but all it did was make me miss you more. Why is life so unfair? Why couldn't I get to watch you and mommy grow old together here with me? Why was I left alone? I don't have the faith in myself that everyone else seems to have in me. I second guess myself in everything and constantly looking for approval. You used to be able to calm my fears all the time. I'm at war with myself all the time. Please daddy comfort me tonight and let me feel you and mommy with me tomorrow. I love you yesterday today tomorrow always ....

My anxiety is so bad lately. I have attacks at least 2x a day. It's so hard to handle things without you here. I don't know how it will ever get better. I just hope it's sometime soon. I try to close my eyes and picture how happy you must be up there now. But my broken heart wants so bad to be with you all again. Each day seems to get harder instead of easier. But I know you're watching over me and I only wish you were here so I can tell you face to face about the bus driver position. Everything seems to be falling into place. But no one wanted this more for me than you. I got the notice less than 2 weeks after your funeral. But I just felt I couldn't be happy about it. It hurts dad, it's slowly killing me. I went from having a big family, to literally almost none. I love you so much Daddy...Yesterday, today,tomorrow, always. ..